A couple of interesting historical and cultural details have come to our attention about Methoni.
First, it’s got an amazingly large castle. All the signs and leaflets claim that its the “The Largest Castle in the Balkans”. Now that is quite a statement down here.. That’s like waving an inflammatory red rag at a Bulgarian bull, because they really love their castles in the Balkans. Thats where the term, ‘Balkan Mentality’ comes from, which really is a more polished and diplomatic way of saying ” an insular and defensive paranoid psychopath”
The historical subtext of centuries of jingoistic, simmering rivalry that hang darkly, like congealed testosterone, from the words of, “We have got the largest castle in the Balkans”, mean that just saying it is practically the same as the whole male population of Methoni standing on the castle parapets giving the middle finger to Albania and Croatia while jumping up and down chanting ” AND FUCK YOU TOO MONTENEGRO” .
But, fair play, it is really large. Not only Cardigan castle but the whole of Cardigan Town could fit inside Methoni Castle. That includes all the car parks. And the swimming pool, and Jewsons. Its that big! Even the out of town Tescos would fit inside Methoni castle, and all the crap on the industrial estate, all inside Methoni Castle!
Its so big that the laws of physics are probably different inside Methoni castle. Stephen Hawkin should have come here and had a look at Methoni castle, he would have found it very interesting. Except he couldn’t, because, being in Greece, its not very wheelchair friendly. In fact like most of the places of special historical and cultural significance and open to the paying visitor in Greece, it is much more likely to put you into a wheelchair, than provide accessibility to those already in them. They should display signs telling everyone that Methoni castle is friendly to the manufacturers and retailers of wheelchairs. Paid for by the E.U. of course. (The signs, not the wheelchairs. That would be socialism taking the piss)
There are so many exciting possibilities for serious injury in Methoni castle. Multifarious dangers hiding among the teetering and crumbling stone edifices and the overgrown grass and bramble covered walkways, all mined with wells and collapsed tunnels and various other lurking holes in the ground that, exhausted by the sheer scale of the place and dazed and blinded by sun and heat, you can step into in an instant of life changing misadventure. Then, after shattering your coccyx, snapping a femur, slipping a disc, compacting several vertebrae, suffering concussion or various possibilities of compound fracture you would have to rely on family from home to come to your aid and get you out of Methoni castle. Because you couldn’t really expect the Greek state to take responsibility, after all the cuts. True there are a couple of people working on the gates of Methoni castle but their job is to sell you a ticket, while smoking fags and eating stuff from the bakery and warning you sternly and darkly that the large medieval iron gates will close at 6.30 p.m. (winter time) and if you are still inside you will have to spend the night cowering amongst the stones of Methoni castle listening to the pleading screams and subhuman moans of those who have suffered serious injury on their sight seeing trip and are awaiting family from Scandinavia or the Netherlands to come to their aid, stretchering them out and procuring a wheelchair for them.
It all about resources. I mean, yeah, OK, there is a sign outside Methoni castle that seems to be saying we have given them the best part of a million euros but you have to remember the place is open from 8am to 8pm in the the summer, 8am to 6.30 in winter (closed mondays) and there are two of them, so that would probably only cover fags and stuff from the bakery, really.
So, what was the other thing about Methoni? Oh yeah, olive trees, millions of them, many hundreds of square miles of those big Kalamata ones that cost a fortune in Tesco’s. You can’t eat them off the trees though, they taste rank!
So, thats Methoni. Tomorrow we are hitchhiking or catching a bus to back to Kiparissia which also has a castle, albeit a less prepossessing example than the one at Methoni.
Your Cultural Ambassadors, Rob and Jane